(One-night Stand Special) TRADE SCHOOL: One-night stand etiquette.

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So the last post got me thinking: Is there a way to have a successful one-night stand? What constitutes “successful one-night stand?” And how do you remedy it if it’s not going your way?

There’s a guide for everything. I came across “Etiquette Guide for Causal Sex” on Craigslist, of all places. It is shocked full of important tips. It sounds like it’s written from a woman’s (a somewhat uptight, woman’s) perspective, but it’s useful for both sexes. Besides, “always use a condom,” the one I find most helpful is #3:

Do ask permission to do things to me and my home. Ask to take a shower, ask to go through my nightstand looking for a condom, ask before trying to go down on me, and ask me if you want something from me too. We can’t pretend to be familiar with each other so be polite.

I do disagree with her on the following:

  • no cuddling #7 (you can if you want to, but don’t insist.)
  • no sex with the lights on #8 (I don’t know what trolls she’s banging… but watching the action can be a huge turn on.)
  • make the bed #9 (the host should make the bed.)
  • no morning sex #10 (Is she kidding?! Morning sex is great! However, I do agree with her “even if I were to participate last night [in oral sex], there is NO chance of a stale, daylight, sober blow job for you.” But even that is not a set rule.)   

GUIDES
wikiHow outlines 14 steps for women to get a guy to go home with them. I think the 14 steps can be summarized into four:

1. Let him know you’re interested.
3. Say something.
10. My place or yours.
14. Have fun.

AskMen.com’s has a six-step tip guide for men picking up women a lot more thorough with detailed examples and explanations:

1. Spot your prey
2.
Pick her up.
3.
Get sexual.
4.
Close the deal.
5.
Have sex.
6.
Call it a night.

There is an art to picking up a girl or guy, but not many people are going to refuse casual sex. Sure you want to be subtle, but you also want to get on with it.  I think most will agree the tricky, logistical part begins once both parties involved (or three, if you managed to score a threesome) consent to sex.

GETTING HOME
Unlike in films when you’re magically transported from the party to the bedroom while ripping each other’s clothes off, in real life there’s still the issue of getting home, whether it’s your place or your one-off lover’s.  Not to mention escaping the scene without being obvious to other guests if you’re at a house party where both of you know people. Unless you don’t care; then it’s, “So long everybody” before they can get your coat.

Things are easier if one or both of you have your own mode of transportation, like cars. Bikes are great too, but just be careful not to lose each other because you’re pedaling too fast. Believe me, it can happen. It happened to one of my Danish friends in Amsterdam. Missed opportunities. Taking a cab is probably the best and fastest way to mosey on home. It also allows you to maintain the sexual momentum in the back of the cab by continuing to fondle each other. But just in case either one of you is shy about having the cabby see your every caress; friendly bullshitting always helps with uncomfortable silences. However, you do risk realizing that perhaps this girl/guy is not your type at all. This can spoil the rest of the evening. Stick to kissing and as little talking as possible. Read #2.


A PACK OF GUM, SOME BEEF JERKY, CONDOMS AND THIS MAGAZINE, PLEASE.
This is also a great time to make sure either one of you has protection – adequate and sufficient for mishaps (at least twice at night and once in the morning is ideal). Stop somewhere to get some before you get home. Don’t be shy to bring the subject up. If you’re forward enough to take a stranger home, then you should be forward enough talk about protection. Both of you should appreciate someone bringing up the subject. Don’t wait until you get home.

SOBER UP
Once you get home stay hydrated and try to sober up with water – not more liquor. Yes, I’m assuming you’ve been drinking as
this is when most people hook up (also according to New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. Liquor got you into this spontaneous mess, but being too drunk will ruin the experience by making you numb to any sensation (mainly for women), not being able to maintain an erection (for men) and as I mentioned yesterday – it just gets sloppy and no one ends up looking sexy.

FRESHEN UP
Excuse yourself for a bit, give your willy a little rinse – especially if you’re uncircumcised! Girls, have a wee (especially if you plan on ejaculating later) and wipe the black mascara underneath your eyes. I love when the guy takes the initiative to brush his teeth or uses mouth wash. It’s so refreshing!

THE DEED
Put a condom on. I can’t stress this enough.

Read #3. He or she may amaze you with technique, but otherwise, don’t get too fancy. It may make you or your partner uncomfortable to do things he or she may only consider doing with someone they really care about. Do communicate what it is you want to do to your lover, i.e. before you handcuff him or before you try to stick your penis in her ass.  Guys, don’t be too disappointed if the girl doesn’t want to go down on you. After all, she did just meet you. Girls, if you’re not willing to reciprocate the act it’s only courteous to mention you’re not willing before he goes down on you.

If you lose your erection it’s not the end of the world. Women understand it happens. Take a break, relax and try again. We’ll forgive you. However, what’s not as forgivable is coming too soon or before us.  Guys, if you’re at a girl’s place, don’t take the condom off and toss it on the floor. Ideally, get up, go to the bathroom, wrap it in toilet paper and then bin it. Don’t flush it down the toilet. Don’t just toss it in the bin so that it rests right on top. Do give your willy another rinse for the next round, or simply for hygiene’s sake.  

 
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?
Play it by ear. If the sex was good, then it’s reasonable to stick around for a morning session. If it was awkward for whatever reason (too drunk to perform, she passed out, he barks, strange fetishes you couldn’t appreciate, etc.) then politely excuse yourself. A simple, “I have to go” or “I have to wake up early the next day” works for both sexes. This works well if you’re at your partner’s place.

However, if you went back to yours it may be a bit trickier. Girls have no shame and will ask a guy to leave whenever they want him out – no matter how early. Guys, no matter how unreasonable, please just leave. Guys are a bit more courteous and subtle. Girls take a hint. Just because he’s not asking you to get out, doesn’t mean he wants you to stick around. Also, a good strategy my guy friend told me he’d do is that he starts working on the excuse before he even has sex. The cab ride is a good time. This can include a similar “I have to go to work early tomorrow” line. The next very early morning, he would start “getting ready for work” and the girl would immediately take the hint and start putting her clothes on as well. He would go as far as walking her to his car (in his suit and tie), kissing her goodbye, getting in his car, leading her out of the apartment complex in his car-then going around the complex and entering through the other entrance and going back to sleep. Genius.

Leaving shouldn’t be a big deal. You should both understand it was just a one-off. It’s over. Go home.  

THE NEXT MORNING
You’re in a big cosmopolitan city with no idea how to get home, there are no more tubes, subways, trains, buses, no car nor bike and taking a cab would cost you a fortune, so you had no other option but to stay until morning. Or, the sex was quite good, if not great, and you stayed for a morning session. Good job. The same as above still applies, though. Play it by ear, but mainly just try to get out of there soon. You’ll know whether or not to stay for breakfast or a shower.

 

Et, voila. C’est fini. A one-night stand. Try to keep in mind a one-night stand is precisely that: one night. Don’t expect to see each other again. Don’t be sad when he or she doesn’t call. Hopefully you knew what you were getting yourself into. Just enjoy it for what it was, not what it could be.  

– JD

3 Responses to “(One-night Stand Special) TRADE SCHOOL: One-night stand etiquette.”

  1. love it!!! and who knows you might encounter that person again YEARS later and become really good friends 😉

  2. globosexuals Says:

    haha! Hi! Thanks for posting and glad you enjoyed it 🙂

    And no, young lady! Thoughts of “becoming friends later” is out of the question! You need to read the 3rd paragraph under the “Should I stay or Should I Go” section again!

    I also would like to mention that most of the guides I saw online say that you should ask for a phone number or to see the other person again only if you really mean it.

    I don’t think it really matters, though. It does accidentally slip out sometimes when you’re trying to be courteous. But it’s a ONE NIGHT stand. If you went into it thinking something serious might result from this–then you should not be having one night stands. No matter how good it was, you should just think of it as ONE NIGHT. If the one-night stander does call, then consider it a perk; but don’t expect it even if the person said he or she would call.

    If you accidentally said you’d call, don’t feel pressured or guilty to call someone you don’t fancy. It only prolongs the torture and makes things worse in the end when you ultimately have to end it. It’s like slowly pulling the band aid off. They’ll get the point once you don’t call. The only thing is, you will be in an awkward situation if you run into that person again.

    But awkwardness can happen with or without sex.

  3. […] mentioned in a previous blog, Handler also agrees that drunken sloppy sex isn’t desirable; “If you get shit faced […]

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