(One-night Stand Special) GLOBOSEXUAL OF THE MONTH: Kennedy

Kennedy, February's Globosexual of the Month.

Kennedy, February's Globosexual of the Month.

He knows karate; he knows jujitsu. He’s covered in bling and is a self proclaimed pimp. Conceived in Texarkana, corrupted in L.A. and is now corrupting the women of London. I am talking about no other than disco-gansta pop singer Kennedy, February’ Globosexual of the Month.
If you want to know more about his musical career, then watch this interview with Ground Control Magazine. But if you want to know why Kennedy’s globosexuality is like NAFTA and why he still manages to get all the ladies even though he never calls the next day-well then, Wake Up and read below.

JD

 

1) Kennedy, after heavy deliberation, we decided to name you “Globosexual of the Month”-what do you think about that!?

I’m very excited as I do sleep with a large globe almost every night. Actually, she’s not really a globe, but very similar in size and shape.

 

2) Had you ever heard of the term Globosexual before?

This is my first experience with the term Globosexual. After some careful research I realized that I had fallen into a trap set by the FBI to map my every move, sexual partner and even dirty thought. This magazine is the saddest front for the CIA I have ever come across.

 

3) Damn. I mean, I don’t know what you’re talking about… Uhem, now that you know what a Globosexual is, would you consider yourself one? Why?

I do consider myself a Globosexual; especially when it comes to loads of Brazilian models. I would consider myself not unlike NATO, NAFTA or the WTO when it comes to my global sexual conquests. And much like NATO, my Globosexuality usually involves messy situations in impoverished areas.

 

4) That’s so wrong on so many levels… Still, I look at your videos and I immediately think: Why is Kennedy so sexy? Why do you think that is?

It’s a well edited video.

 

5) How would you describe your music? What inspires the lyrics you write?

I like to describe my music as Wham meets Steely Dan  on ACID. My lyrics are inspired by a confusing mess of cough syrup, the occasional Ketamine flashback and a loveless childhood.

 

6) In your songs you talk a lot about your relationships with women. How much of this is based on true life?

110% accurate. Only the names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.   

 

7) Are you as popular with the ladies and moms as your songs imply? What would you say lures them in?

Honestly, I do well with the ladies. Considering I always forget Valentine’s Day and I never call the next day. I still manage to pull eight or nine times a week. I think ladies like men who are funny. Or at least, I like ladies who appreciate a good sense of humor. More than looks, money or a Hummer H3 – if you can make a girl laugh then she may laugh right out of her panties.

 

8 ) A few weeks ago we had “Orgasm Week.” We talked a lot about the g-spot. In your song “K.E.N.N.E.D.Y.” you say “I hit it in the spot that you can’t find.” What’s your secret?

I usually get those lights they have on an airport runway. The lights they use to direct planes on which way to go. Then I wave them around the room until my aircraft lands, so to speak. But don’t eat the airplane food!

 

9) I think my panties are almost to my knees now. Do you believe in “ladies first?” Do you care if your lady gets off?

After years of falling into what I call orgasm debt, I realized that I was almost bankrupt in the orgasm department. As a result, much like the credit crisis, I have been paying back my debts to the ladies one orgasm at a time. So yes ladies first; unless I’ve had too much to drink. Then you get whatever I feel like giving.

 

10) In the song “Karate” (my FAVORITE by the way) you say “My best girl asked me if she’s the only one. I gotta be blunt, I say ‘hell yea!'” Are you a one-lady kind of guy?

When I’m in a relationship, I commit totally. When I’m single, I’m committed to every lady.

 

11) You’re originally from L.A., now you live in London-one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world, bringing people from all over the world together. No doubt you’ve shagged a cornucopia of different nationalities, ethnicities, cultures, etc. Obviously, otherwise we wouldn’t have named you Globo of the Month. Who has been the best so far? Why?

My house cleaner has been the best so far. There’s something erotic for me about getting it on with the help. I think she was from Essex. Yes, Essex girls are the best. Fake tans, bad hooker shoes, oh way maybe that’s East L.A.? It’s all the same.

I think British women can be a bit stuffy, but once they loosen up its fantastic. French women have good rhythm. German girls tend to leave bruises. Spanish girls can out-party you so be on alert. Muslim women… well let’s not go there.

 

12) Any funny cultural-misunderstanding stories?

I went to Thailand with a lover. We had Thai massages next to each other. After the massage I asked my lover, “How was your happy ending? Mine was amazing.” She started crying and we split up. I thought you’re suppose to get a hand job in Thailand! Some women are so sensitive.

 

13) What does a girl have to say or do to get your attention?

I like girls who are down to earth and have a good sense of humor. It’s good to connect with someone politically and with tastes in music and movies. Usually all a girl needs to say to me is “You dirty old man” and I am all hers.

 

14) What’s the steamiest text message you’ve ever received?

I want to re-enact scenes from Secretary with you.

 

15) You do look like a coked-up version of James Spader, yes. And with much cooler specs. Where’s your favorite place to get some loving.

In the butt. Girls just don’t give it up anymore.

 

16) What’s your favorite thing about women?

Hearing women laugh. Especially when I take my trousers off.

 

17) What will your past conquests remember most about you?

I usually leave an earring, ring, necklace or some piece of jewelry behind on accident. I hate that. Or sometimes a hicky.

 

18) What’s the deal with Texarkana? I’m from Texas myself.

I was conceived in the box car of a train somewhere in Texarkana. My father was selling bibles and my mom was a traveling gypsy he met hopping trains near Jacksonville. I think my connection to Texarkana is cosmic.

 

19) What other countries have you been to/lived in?

I’m from the greatest country ever, the U.S.A. and I have travled to Australia, Germany, Austria, France, Spain, Mexico, Ireland, Thailand and all over England.

 

20) What else do you do besides make great disco-thug love songs?

I like to read, usually erotic novels or political biographies. I found Bill Clinton’s autobiography particularly satisfying.

 

21) I’m sure it had a happy ending… What’s next?! New Music? New country? New girl?

I’m gonna wake up, have some coffee and send a dirty text to my new home slice in East London. I have a record coming out in April called Life is an Afterparty. In the meantime I’m writing a new record about my struggles with 15 Fashion Week Models in the south of France last month.

 

22) Are you single?

Fuck yeah.

23) One last question… can I be one of your back up dancers? I can’t sing, but I love ninjas. I have some sweet, fake-ninja moves. 

Yes,  you can sing in my band.

 

 

If you know someone who would make the perfect candidate for Globosexual of the Month, please send your suggestions to globosexuals@googlemail.com.

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